God's masterpiece

before the foundations of the world God knew you. you were already in His imagination before He ever created the world. you are a work of art. (a masterpiece...) He made this place for us. for us to enjoy, for us to admire its beauty, for us to stand in awe of His beauty and greatness while at the same time realize that even before we learned to love Him and fear Him (or even have a knowledge of who He is...) we were first fearfully and wonderfully made by Him.

when we were in His imagination He could only dream of creating us, and knowing us, and seeing what it would be like to having a relationship with us, and finding out what it would feel like for us to break His heart, to even learn Himself what it's like to love a people so much that He would give His own Son over to death for our sake. just so we can be right back where we left off (perfect communion with the Father). He dreamt of and anticipated it until that perfect moment in time where he has placed each one of us... like a novel or an epic poem, we are the characters in His story. coming in right at the perfect time as He masterfully creates the words on the pages of history like a perfectly orchestrated symphony.

even with the knowledge and realization of the vast complexities, and depth, and beauty of the world we know, of the universe we know... still, THIS is God's favourite piece, His most prized posession; mankind.

the color of loneliness...

i haven't been sleeping well lately... 

it's gradually been getting harder to fall asleep.

and then when i finally am asleep it's hard to stay asleep.

i don't know why, but my mind has been running overtime. 24/7... i can't make sense of what's going on inside my head. it's just senseless chatter... static noise... it's nothing in particular. at least i don't think so...

i can't really make any sense of it. just simply background noise... i kind of start feeling like i'm in a large crowd sometimes.

during the day it's usually rather comfortable. but it's at night when i'm trying to sleep that's the problem. it's much easier to just stay awake and ignore it. i really don't know what it is. i try to pay attention to it. but it's still just more radio static... maybe it's my own mind making noise so that i don't feel lonely anymore. i don't know. i'm getting pretty tired of it though. it's not comforting anymore... it's just a nuisance now.

a glance back to previous thoughts and writings (third installment)

this one actually took me three days to write it out so that's how i posted it... so here it is!

"rambling winter thoughts..."

pt. 1- (Tuesday, November 27, 2007)

if there was ever a time for me to wish i was home, it'd be now. i wake up in the morning and it's cold with no snow on the ground (only frost... occasionally). there's no mountains, no pine trees, only people. people and God. that is all that is keeping me here. just those two things. if it weren't for my friends, i don't know here i'd be. they mean so much to me. they play a very important roll in my life. but i guess i really have in mind my close friends. the ones that are really there for me. the ones that i can trust. the ones i make memories with... there are only a few of them. but they each hold a very dear piece of my heart. i know i'm a very sentimental person. but these things matter to me. i care about them so much...

pt. 2- (Wednesday, November 28, 2007)

...but i know that in a few short months it'll all be over. and my heart will be torn apart and scattered across the country. i don't know how long all my friendships will last. but to be completely honest, (regretfully...) probably no more than five of them will last a lifetime. with that said, how many of them will i see again? but none of that matters right now. all that matters is that they're here with me. and i have the privilege/honor of being with them now. on the other side of things, (the real reason i'm still here...) God... there's not a single day that has gone by that i question id i'm in the will of God. (there's so much i have to say about this it's overwhelming. but i'll take my time...) everything's seemed to be so hard lately. i feel like i've gotten nowhere. there MUST be more than what i have right now. there MUST be more than this... right? there is so much for me back home...

pt. 3- (Thursday, November 29, 2007)

...but is it worth leaving to go back? i can't follow through with it though. no matter how badly i want to go home. every time i think about it, moving back home just doesn't make sense to me anymore. only because i know in my heart that if i leave this place i won't be walking in the blessing. (sure is a funny looking blessing...) i guess i just can't see it quite yet. but are things really going to be that much better (or even as good as i imagine many times) if i leave/go back home before my appointed time? again i ask, would it really be worth going back home? but let me propose this thought: shouldn't there be a contentment when you're still in His will? i feel content everywhere i am except for one place... and that is the one place where i didn't seek out what the Lord wanted for me. only i am to blame for my own misery... and now i've forced myself into a test of my own faithfulness. (not fath... faithfulness.) it's all a result of my own lack of wisdom and ignorance. but nevertheless, i am thankful for where i am and who i have around me. i miss my family, my friends, my comforts, my home... but it will be here soon enough.









all in good time, austin...






all in good time.

a glance back to previous thoughts and writings (second installment)

"The smell of snake peel and the sounds of Guitar Hero"

(Wednesday, June 19, 2007)

So, here I am listening to Copeland at 12:30 a.m.

This simple act reminds me of those few people that I actually connected with at school.



My brother and sisters and I have also been playing ALOT of Guitar Hero.
A few days ago one of the songs were played in one of those little preview clips.
INSTANTLY it took me back to the ice storm in January because it was the one song that Jenny played consistently and very repetitively.

That honestly was probably one of the most fun/(dare I say) best weeks of my life.






Even in the simple things like the scent of my shower gel.



All of these things take me back to that one week.



















In that one week...


School was cancelled EVERY DAY

We tore lids off of city owned park dumpsters and used them for sleds
We made chocolate chip pancakes and toaster strudels

We watched "Pinky and the Brain" until 4 a.m. with our 32 oz. Dr. Peppers from Quick Trip




We took AMAZING pictures


We played on icy playgrounds
We got rear ended by a girl from ORU and none of us were hurt (not even the cars)









We played Guitar Hero for countless hours
We went grocery shopping at 1 a.m.
We watched ALOT of movies.





I made some of the best friends I will most likely ever have in my life























In that one week God gave me a family at the least likely moment.


I miss you guys so much!






Everyday something either pops into my head or I heaar a song or I see/smell something that takes me back to just that one week. 
And I will never forget when four kids scattered across the country met in Tulsa, OK and in one week's time became so much more than any of them would ever expect.



I remember that last night that we all hung out at my apartment before school was over.
We played Guitar Hero again.


Jenny found her song and started playing it. (I hadn't even heard that song since the ice storm...)


No one noticed, but I just stood there looking at the TV trying my hardest to fight back the tears because it took me back to that week again and I knew that that was the last night we all would be together for a while.





I love you guys! And I can't wait to see you again.


















Here's to Some Kids Downtown...










I love you guys!!!

a glance back to previous thoughts and writings

i was just looking back at a few of my blogs from a while back on myspace and realized that i haven't even thought about these things in quite a while... so i thought i'd repost a few of my favorites. let me know what you think...

happy reading!

"Who are you anymore?"

(Friday, July 20, 2007)

I wish that I could say that I am the first one to imagine this metaphor, but William Shakespeare
beat me to it.
But that's only because he was born four hundred twenty-three and a half years before I was.





I realized the other day that life is nothing but a mere play.
And we are all nothing but mere actors.
Most of us choose to play the part of the fool.



None of us seem want to be our own true selves. (Even though we think we do.)
Everyone has the desire to impress someone.
Everyone has the desire to find something...anything to improve themselves.


We rely on someone else's identity to define who we are.
We are influenced by the people around us and by the things we see and hear.



Is there no originality left in this world?

Have we forgotten who we truly are?

We have replaced who we are piece by piece with small bits of other people around us
until we come to the point that we have forgotten who we are anymore.






So many of us are doing nothing but acting.
Taking the role of someone that we were never intended to be.
Why?

Why do we do what we do?
It is a mystery that no man can answer.




I am one who has taken the role as the fool...

It wasn't until over one year ago that I began to find out who I really am once again.
I no longer found my identity in who was around me.

I realized that my identity is found in Who is IN me.

Every day since then I have been on an ongoing search for who I am.
A search for what makes me me.
I feel today that I am more secure in myself than I have ever been in my entire life.

Just within the last couple of weeks, I will look into the mirror and I literally DO NOT see the
same person that I knew two years ago.
I am virtually unrecognizable to myself anymore. I have COMPLETELY changed!

Day by day, I step off of that stage and quit acting.
I take back my own identity and become that person that God has created me to be.


I am a work in progress. And I'm still learning who I am.
But I know now that I will never be the same.


"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players." 
-Jaques -

"As You Like It" by William Shakespeare

when will this end?

i'm writing right now without any intention or direction. but i just feel like i need to release some pressure in my head and heart that is more than well over due.
i am so sick of being lonely and missing people it's literally making me sick! i hate the way this is looking to turn out. i'm just pissed...
why does it seem that no matter where i am or what i'm doing i'm just not content? (i never am unless there's snow.) why does it seem like that's JUST the way life is? it's full of heart ache, heart break, broken hearts, broken eyes, twisted minds, twisted ears, sore feet, delays, relays, replays, inlays, outlays, lays potato chips that cut the roof of your mouth, plans made plans changed, plans broken, relationships broken, (everything in this world breaks...) things you want but you can't have, things you want and you can have but you know you shouldn't have them... and so the list goes on.
when will i get to where i'm going? why can't i see the path i'm on? i don't know where to turn, how fast or how slow to go. i can't see the obstacles ahead. or for that matter the destination... i just have my hands out in front of me flailing wildly. desperately groping the darkness as i take baby steps scared that i might trip and fall or take the wrong step and end up somewhere i should never be.
where is the light switch?

does anyone at least have a flashlight???




"you feel like running, but life is on a stroll..." - Donald Miller

a new home, a new man, a new life, a new love...

we're driving home now. we're listening to foals with the windows down because the a/c is broken. i feel hay pelting my right foot from the semi-truck in front of us. wishing we could pass it, we're hoping for a break in traffic or a lane to open up.

this is day 2 of our trip home.

i miss redding, ca already. 

we're out in the middle of nowhere farmland where our only company consists of over two hundred windmills. and all i can think is, "what am i going to do now???"

i remember how strange i felt the night before we left. it's a feeling that i've been well acquainted with lately. i've almost learned her name... but i'm not sure i enjoy the company too much. she causes your heart to ache more than planned. 

(it's enough to make you sick to your stomach.)

she always comes the night before you leave and she haunts you like a bad memory. she reminds you of all of the people and memories you're leaving behind. and she keeps bringing up the fact that you probably won't see most of them again. (or at least for a while.) why is leaving so hard? maybe i just care too much...

i pulled the visor down to use the mirror earlier and i caught a glimpse of someone.

someone new...

something new...

i think i finally found the man i've been looking for this whole time. the person i saw was someone happy. not just happy with who he is, but with where he's going and what he's doing with his life. (whatever that is.)

i saw someone more mature. older than he used to be, he stared right back at me wondering where he came from. the face that accompanies his newly aged eyes doesn't do them justice. 

he's not afraid anymore. and for the first time he's finally secure in himself.

day after day i'm forgetting who i used to be and am gradually becoming the man i've always dreamed of being. but i'm still becoming this man only because i've finally gotten a revelation of God's undying, passionate, romance for me. 

i've seen it.

i've tasted it.

i've drowned in it.

i drown in it everyday...

it's the sweetest, most joyous love that anyone will ever feel or know... o breathtaking is His Love, you get high just from the scent of His presence. so high that you se everything differently.

it sparks a new kind of creativity and an inspiration to create things that could only exist in dreams before now. but can finally be brought into the natural realm because this indescribable Love causes your heart to sing its own song. and for the very first time in all of eternity a sound is released that has never been heard before. causing the universe to take a new shape in response to this new heart engaging in worship to its true Love...

and now freedom is at hand.

the road to something new (journal entries)

entry 1. (fri, mar 14 - 6:48 p.m.)

God, thank You for such good friends.

thank You for giving me people who i mean enough to so that they would bring me home with them for spring break.

this trip has come at the perfect time...

i don't know what it will be like.

i don't have a clue what's going to happen... and i'm perfectly happy with that.

this is what i need. something new. something i've never known before. something...

to change into...

so needless to say, regardless of what will happen it is what i need.

entry 2. (mon, mar 24 - 8:17 a.m.)

there only two occasions when gas station coffee tastes good:

1. when you go to quick trop to grab something to drink between classes.

2. when you're on a road trip (preferably when the snow has covered the median on the freeway and is trailing off from each shoulder into the lightly frosted distance...)

but it's never about the taste in these occasions...

the taste is something that in itself is created in the memories that are created in such events.

there is just something incredible that happens during road trips.

kind of like windmills...

it's not something that you can pinpoint or figure out what it is. it's just something that is there. the fact that something spontaneous is happening. you never know what's about to happen.

your guards are down, your up to anything, and you're just free...

valentine's day

valentine's day

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this is nuts!!!

i truly feel that the world needs to see this...

soulja boy

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kudos to the little sis...

this is all one big blog that my sister just posted...
i read it and i honestly don't think anyone could have said it better.
this is something that has been on my heart for SO long. and i feel like this is what the body of Christ needs RIGHT NOW.
so with no further adieu, here it is...





pedestal

yes...

I am about to be a major nerdy christian kid. I'm about to sound stupid to everyone, and contradict everything about "talking stupid christian talk" that I have ever said. But I realized today, if we don't talk stupid christian talk. Than nothing will ever get said. So here it is. Take it or leave it.

Before you read this understand I love church. It's great, it's needed and good. But I just want to say some things about it I have seen. Not because my parents say this. But because I have actually seen it for myself.



If you are going to pretend to be some great leader/pastor/example in the church, and in the world. Live a life that is about God and not about yourself.

If your relationship is less about you and more about going to church and being involved at church. You are missing something huge.

Church is not God. Church has nothing to do with your personal relationship with God. Church was meant to be a place you can go to fellowship with other believers, praising God together, learning about God together, showing each other the words God has given you, praying over each other, helping each other grow in God. And absolutely not about the pastor, leadership, staff, band, or anything else. Yes, they all work hard. But if they are actually working for God, they wont care about how hard the work is. The only thing we should care about is the product of what they did for God. Yes, going to church is huge, and good. But this is all getting out of hand. Don't tell me that was what church was in Paul's days, the world has changed so has the church. Yes, the world has changed... Yes, the church has changed... but it wasn't supposed to. I'm sick of people saying "I'm a christian! I'm at church 3 times a week, and I help with kids church, and I'm on the band" or whatever. Blah blah blah. I don't want to hear about that. None of it matters in the end. What matters is how well do you know God, how often do you actually talk to him, and study the word, how often do you practice speaking and living the right way. I'm not saying being involved is bad AT ALL, it's great! Many people just let it become part of thier relationship with God, and thats not what it's about. We sing these songs at church, and you can look around and see who actually understands what it's saying beucase they have had a first hand experience with God's amazing love. You can tell who just memorized the song and who believes it because they involved are trained to.



Don't treat or expect anything more of the people that are leader's/pastors/examples in the church than you do of your unsaved friend. They are just people. Nothing more. Maybe they would deserve special treatment if they acted like the awesome people they think they are. I've heard it said that in public leaders are to do the "right" thing. But in private it is up to them to decide what is right, and what they want to do. No struggling, that's ridiculous... Ridiculous. If you have to hide what you are doing in private. You shouldn't be doing it. If you are worried about people thinking the wrong thing, don't do the thing that makes them think them. Stop thinking it's about you, your life, doing what you want, It's not about that, it's about showing people who are struggling that you can live a life of righteousness. I don't care if it's hard. Life's hard. And it's your fault it's hard because people who claim to be so "good" who go and do retarded things make it hard on everyone else If they don't suck it up and live right. Self righterighteousnessousness... thinking you are God's gift to the earth and everyone on it and then not only acting like everyone else, but also making/expecting the people you are supposed to be leading to cover for you. I'm sick of it.

one last thing...

Although probably no one remembers/didn't mean anything by it. There was quite a time when I was lucky to get to go to church once a month because of volleyball. And I know that still I haven't been able to do alot of things because I have a volleyball stuff alit. And everyone gives me a hard time about it which is fine. But I hit a point of overload. I would come home from youth for a while in tears because everyone had been giving me such a hard time about missing "You are choosing volleyball over God!" "You heathen!" and I understand most of it was all a joke. But I know alot of people don't "approve" of my not going alot because of volleyball. But thats what I'm doing right now. It doesn't matter if you think it's right. I've talked to God about it. We are great friends. He says it's cool. Thats where I'm at, and I know it's right because I have never been closer to God. I never have chosen volleyball over God. I have chosen volleyball over church, but guess what?..... church isn't God. And as long as I have a good relationship with God, I'm ok. I'm not mad, and this is really is stupid and no big deal. But I just needed to not hold little grudges against anyone anymore. I needed to be truthful and say that it bothered me more than I thought something like that could. Because I felt like my relationship with God was being attacked.

That will be all.

I can only think of 3 people who will actually read this whole thing.
I'm not sorry if it offended you, because if it did, you needed to hear it.

This is not judging anyone.

Just me, talking about what I've seen and learned about church over the last few years.

change it coming...

Get over it.

a few small words to the hypocrite

you know, i am really tired of all of those self-righteous "christians" who are constantly judging people and claim that they're living right all the time.

you don't ever take the time to stop and think that maybe everyone you're condemning hasn't come to the same level of GRAND SPIRITUALITY that you "seem" to have achieved.
i still have yet to see ANY of you without sin.




why are you so quick to throw the stones...?




you haven't accomplished anything except chase away all of the true thinkers.
the people who don't follow the crowd...
the people who think on their own...
the people who look at "christianity" as a whole and see all of the judgmental hypocrites and wonder why anyone would want any part in what we have.

you're making the rest of us look bad.
we're the ones who catch your flank...
we're the ones who have to do all of the apologizing for your ignorance...



look at famous historical icons like mahatma gandhi.
he said, "i would have become a christian, if it were not for christians..."

not only do you chase away the lost more often than not, but you make the rest of us question the validity of our faith.
at times your hypocrisy even hinders our own relationship with God because we wonder if we will come to where you are.


i've had people tell me that they don't want anything to do with christianity because it seems to have so much to do with propaganda and hidden agendas.

i'm telling you, we shouldn't be reaching out to the lost because we want to make room for another stone in our crown or a pat on the back from your pastor or whatever.
our reason for spreading the Gospel isn't just to get people saved...
we are supposed to tell people about Jesus because we're excited about what He did/has done for us... 
because we love Him...

because He loves us...


when did christianity become nothing but a belief system?
when did everyone lose sight of the fact that being a christian actually means being Christ like?
when did we get to the point of being lemmings?

we all have started to blindly follow the person in front of us. trusting that they know what they're doing, we tend to follow the leadership with no questions asked.
that is a dangerous place to be...


you people with your agendas and religious fundamentalism really need to start looking at things in perspective. 
what separates you from the pharisees? absolutely nothing...
you're always questioning the independent thinkers... the revolutionaries...


you need to start thinking on YOUR own and quit doing everything people tell you to do because they say it's the right thing. even if they are "above" you.
maybe they're wrong...
did you think about that?


maybe it's okay to question authority...
maybe it's okay to question what you are "supposed" to do...
maybe it's okay to question why you believe what you believe or do what you do...

maybe it's okay to rebel once in a while...

and don't tell me that i'm wrong to think this way because Jesus was a rebel.

He rebelled against the pharisees.
He was a revolutionary.

just like the founding fathers of our beautiful country.

they were a group of people who began thinking on their own.
they were fed up with their government telling them how to worship the "right way."
so, they decided to become independent from the stale religiosity.



i just want to say this to anyone who identifies with who i'm talking to:

for the sake of the rest of the world get over yourselves and quit being so judgmental... i'm sick of it.


and for you who have been hurt by "christians," i apologize for the ignorance and foolishness of the people who claim to be Christ like.
they do not represent the same Christ that i know and love...